We have failed

Why is it so hard for the friendship to stay stable and positive? Why can’t we face the problems and fix it once and for all? Why do some people demand so much from a friendship that it makes us all so tired out? In the end we gave up. Look at where we are today. Such failures. Why did we even let others influence us to bring such destruction to our friendship?

Is it meant to be? For us to just end the friendship here?

Guess we shouldn’t be blaming anyone.

Never knew I can get myself into such issue again, it’s tiring. Maybe I shouldn’t have even commit myself to this in the first place.

Friendship

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Recently

Recently, I find myself in pain. Not just the physical pain on the head/in the head, but the emotional attacks that I have been receiving, hurts real bad.

I realised I have lost all the loved ones, somehow lost something important in every relationship there. The trust, the support, the appreciation. The promise that was made, will you keep to it, that, I’m really uncertain of. And you have kept me disappointed.

Best friend - this term, has been used loosely, once again, I have made the wrong choice. Why? Am I not a good enough friend? Why am I always the one who get dumped? Why can’t I be the one leaving? Why can’t I decide what’s next in my life? Why do I have to go through stages of sadness again and again?

I was a lucky girl? Was I ever one?

Recently, I became very lonely. I feel the world crumbling around me.

Recently, I became weaker, much weaker.

Recently, I’m became sadder.

Recently, I have been tearing, silently crying in this quiet corner.

Recently, I have been choked up in tears and I feel suffocated.

Perspectives

I figured/recalled that everyone is born with the same innate character. Pure, innocent, filled with curiosity. Although we enter the world crying but we were not sad, but neither was that tears of joy. We didn’t know what was sadness and what was happiness. The crying was just an indication of a living soul, the existence of a new presence.

But somehow, as we grow, with different people around us, in different environment, we were like, crafted into all sorts of different characters individually. It was our past, the history, that created us, that led us to who we are and how we are like today.

And so, just forgive and forget the unfriendly acts, words or gestures. They are just direct or indirect signs of what the person is uncomfortable with or finds unacceptable. Simply because of what happened in the past.

Insecurities. Uncertainties. Disappointments. Anything is possible. But because the past is the past. We don’t question. We forgive, accept and understand. Let’s move on.

You are my friend, my friend.

This world

This world, these people. Is it me or is this reality? Why is it so hard to get things done? Why is it so hard to get people to cooperate? Why is it so hard to win the hearts of people? They say sincerity works the best. I tried. And now I feel like I’m losing myself. I don’t even know myself anymore. Am I genuine or am I fake? I hate it. I am utterly disgusted by myself even, sometimes. I don’t get why I have to go through all this. It has been a torture and it’s still a torture. I thought I can this chance to break this barrier and stand as a winner. But the first step is so touch already. Trembling in fear, I can’t reach that second step. I’m struggling so hard. I’m choking in tears and fear and sadness. Why is life just filled with all these tormenting challenges? Is it me, my life or the reality for all? Doesn’t seem so as a third party point of view of others’ life? They seem to have it easier than me currently at least, for the same job, different environment, different people, different pain and suffering. Why me? Why now? I’m suffocated.

Me

I have so much to say but I always don’t have the guts to let it all out. I just lose my strength and the determination at that point of time. This time, I got to do it right. It’s time. 2 more months only to prove myself and fix things up. Let’s go girl.

On a side note, I finally switched on my phone and was quite disappointed by some, well, non-existent messages. But at least I know who really care and bother. I just want to say, right now, I love my teachers.

It’s time to cherish and appreciate those who really matter because they care, and they deserve all the love from me.

And I have decided, though it still requires quite a lot from me, to be positive and to keep my emotions in check. Cannot let my thoughts run wild, cannot be too pessimistic, cannot be too angsty, simply too unhealthy for me!

Let’s stop pressuring myself. I can do this. Let’s give it a try, a real hard one(: